It’s not what I thought you would be called when we found out you were coming.  I thought you would be Monkey because, well, everything is monkey in our house.

I won’t say that we were trying to have you.  Your daddy and I just said we were staying out of God’s way.  The week before I knew you were with us, I asked your Aunt Jerri what her pregnancy symptoms were. Hers didn’t help.

I was exhausted that week. . .being who I am, sleep is no stranger, and I’m quite good at it, but this was different.  It was a real struggle to stay up past eight.  If the phone rang at nine I wanted to know who was calling so late.  Jerri and I texted every day.  She wanted me to take a test, but I kept saying no.  I was waiting.

December 3, 2016 I took the test while your daddy slept.  He had to work that night.  The little line showed up! You announced your presence! It was difficult for me to not go jump on the bed. But I didn’t. Instead, I thanked God for you. He thought we should be parents.

And, so we are.

I left the positive test with a onesie I bought in Scotland that summer on your daddy’s sink.  When he finally went in there, he asked, “Do two lines mean positive?” It made me laugh because why else would I leave a onesie and a pregnancy test on his sink?

And when we started telling people, you were Nugget.

My excitement was so strong, I couldn’t stop telling people.  Two weeks after we knew you were with us, we were able to get with your grandparents and tell them.  They were so excited. We gave them all a book to read to you when you came, some baby wipes, a burp cloth (or vomit cloth as your daddy says), and a clean onesie.  I have to say, though, telling your great granddaddy Coleman was probably my favorite.  We got to his house and told him we had news.  He made us wait so he could lean against the wall since “it sounds important.” Then we said, “We’re having a baby!” He started to grin, and then said, “You mean a human baby, right?” How well does he know his family that he had to clarify if the baby was human or of the animal kind?

It was Christmas Day when I realized just how excited your daddy was. He filled my stocking with baby things.  But it wasn’t the things that let me know; it was seeing how lit up his eyes became when he talked about being in the infant section of the store.

You got several things for Christmas from your family.  Things they wanted you to have when you got here. Money for a savings account. Ornaments that were all your own. Every one couldn’t wait for you to get here.

When I went back to work, I decided I could tell the people at school.  My students were excited to know that you were coming.  They encouraged me and let me know that I would be a great mom. We felt sure that since you’d been with us for over two months, we were safe to tell people.

But that Friday, January 6, I spotted. We went to have an ultrasound for peace of mind because twenty percent of women spot during pregnancy. But in a heart beat, the breath was sucked out of us.

You had decided to hang out in my Fallopian tube–stubborn child. And some time in week seven your little heart stopped and you went to Jesus. Your great grandparents were waiting for you. You saved my life, most likely, by doing that. Had you continued to grow where you were, I would have had internal bleeding, and you still would die.

It all was too fast. To be so full of joy and hope and then to be shaken with grief and loss.

To not get to hold you.

To have someone cut you out of me.

To question why God would answer prayer this way.

To not understand.

Your father and I have grieved, cried, and prayed together. He has been my rock, and I pray I have been his. His first words in the midst of all the shock were that he didn’t regret a moment of the time we had with you. And later, he said, you see the whole puzzle with God while we see only a piece.

I don’t regret it either. Feeling my body change.  Telling people. Planning for you. Dreaming.

And one day, we’ll see you again because we have Hope.

But I miss you.

Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

 

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